Spain Update #4: The Breakup

Well, it happened.

That thing we started 11 years ago (as basically babies) has ended. It wasn’t messy or dramatic. It came from a place of love and understanding, because we love each other too much to handle things any differently. We are adults, and we act like it.

When people get divorced or breakup, there is an air of failure all around. “Aww, what a shame,” people will say. Like you not wanting to be at a certain place in your life is a horrible thing. Like nothing is ever supposed to change – but I don’t view it like that at all. I see it as we both grew so much and loved ourselves so very much, that we both saw that we wanted to try for more. Growth will always be extremely important to me, so I think this change – it’s not that we have lost, it’s that we are just on our way to a new victory. And victories aren’t easily won because you have many battles first. So, with nothing but our inner strength and our hope, we are aware that lots of hardship and sadness can come along with this journey. 

Breakups are hard. In the weeks following, I’ve experienced so many emotions, and I’ve made a point to acknowledge and truly feel all of them (then, of course, let them pass). It’s a learning process. There is no shame in healing!! And that is why I want to outine what I’ve been experiencing below…

You might cling to whoever you can.

Any person that seems interested in you, you want to talk to. But you’ll end up being a plethora of mixed signals. First, you might act as if you just wanted to hookup. Then, maybe you’ll want to date them and get to know them. Then, you’ll want to blow them off and maybe even feel almost guilty talking to them. But you’ve got to stop investing too much emotional value in strangers! And when you aren’t talking to someone, and you feel sad, write down what you love about yourself. Honestly, write it all down: your challenges, your weaknesses, your best traits, your hopes and dreams – and be kind to yourself! It feels like you need attention, but it’s a temporary high. Instead, channel that energy into your wellbeing! Invest in yourself by falling in love with who you are. 

You might have a few breakdowns.

Angry fits and crying in the shower. Wondering what is wrong with you. Texting your ex to blame him for your life problems. Let yourself have these moments, but then let them pass. You are not your emotions! Take a deep breath and take a step back to try to see things from a level headed viewpoint. Forgive yourself for not being perfect, and realize you will get where you are supposed to be

You might want to isolate yourself.

The idea of going out and meeting new people can sometimes seem exhausting, and you’re afraid you are depressing the friends you already have. You have some serious shit to sort through, so don’t be afraid to disconnect for a bit. That said, force yourself to get out and socialize occasionally! It’s a balance. Stay busy but focus on yourself! You are in a period of self discovery, so don’t feel bad taking some time to recharge and just think. Learn to be alone!

Then, you’ll want to go out every night!

A sense of urgency to meet people tends to come over you after a serious breakup. You’ll suddenly feel this unbreakable bond with fellow single ladies, and you all become fast friends dealing with the same things. You want to scope out all the hotties at the bar. It’s fun. But it also needs some moderation. Remember that you are still figuring out what you want. You are still figuring out how to be you alone. Some restraint will help you feel like your life is more organized. Remember that you are trying to become a better version of yourself, and this could mean focusing on more wholesome activities from time to time.

You’ll get pitied.

People asking you how you’re feeling (when they’ve never asked you that before). People that just shoot you looks like they are saying “awww, you poor thing” in their heads. Maybe someone suddenly wants to hang out with you, when they never gave you any time before. You have to realize that everyone has good intentions and sometimes support can be good! Don’t get annoyed. Don’t let them make you feel worse. Don’t let people affect you at all! When people really know nothing about your life, you can choose to either open up to them or ignore them – but don’t make their pity into a negative thing for you.

You will get your shit together.

You’ll buy yourself new bedding and a sexy bra. Maybe go get yourself a candle and your favorite takeout. Reorganize your apartment. Write down a “to do” list and start checking things off! Personal organization is the key to handling the chaos that ensues around you. Reshape your life to be about you, the you without your ex.

Then, you will feel empowered.

When you begin to realize that you can do some things alone, a sense of empowerment comes over you. You feel fierce. You feel independent. Unstoppable. The feeling comes in waves initially (because it’s mixed with so much uncertainty and a few of those pesky breakdowns), but you start feeling more and more STRONG. You won’t want to take shit from anyone! Remember what you are worth. If anyone ever makes you feel less than that worth, walk the opposite direction as fast as humanly possible! You don’t have time to waste on convincing someone otherwise.

You might actually consider talking to a guy in a serious way.

Realizing that there are other people out there and getting to know them is so important to your recovery – but don’t rush it. Ease into things. If something feels off or uncomfortable, walk away. It should feel fun, not stressful. But allow yourself to be open. It’s important to remember that there is life after your ex, and maybe even someone… better.

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